islandinthesun on Xanga

Since I wrote the post below back in September, a lot has changed. I've qualified for the Boston Marathon and actually run in it, had a relationship end, graduated, found a job, and met new people. Internally, though I feel like not that much has changed.. I have the same insecurities, concerns, stresses.. that's why I end up removing entries I've posted since September and I haven't been too good at updating.. that entry still seems completely relevant.

I'd be lying if I said I was happy with how things are.. it's summer, so I've been somewhat content, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing out on something. It's hard for me to be content, though.. I feel like I'm only going to be young once and I need to experience as much as I can.

The topic of commitment has run through my head a bunch of times recently. On one hand, I can see myself going in that direction about certain things.. but at the same time, old insecurities die hard, and I'd rather be able to point to evidence that I was never really into it, anyway. So basically, what I said back in September.

I get so frustrated sometimes. I have a lot of goals and interests academically, professionally, and also in my personal life, but I feel like there's always too much going on at once. I worry about not being able to put enough effort into things, and I worry about not being able to achieve my goals. I feel like I really am a highly motivated person, but I don't know if it shows, if I'm darting between commitments all the time.

I've always had this extreme desire to diversify myself- to not put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. It's easier to walk away from something if you can point to evidence that you weren't really that into it, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I can be extremely dedicated to things.. but I feel like sooner or later, I'm going to have to become more focused, even if that focus may later change. Scary thought.

"That’s when I realized… Movies make us believe that the one who got away really is The One. But in real life, if you keep someone at a distance for a long time, there’s probably a reason. Now I know that if I analyze a guy more than I talk to him, something’s not right."

Very true.

I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It was too long ago.
I was in the middle before I knew I had begun.

Pride and Prejudice

What do you do when someone breaks a promise or someone lets you down? What happens when someone says they love you and it ends up as a lie? If they truly love you they will always be there, through the good times and the bad. They will tell you what they're thinking, how they're feeling, and ask you how you are. To some of my friends this should mean a lot.

It is singular, however, how long a time often passes before words embody things; and with what security two persons, who choose to avoid a certain subject, may approach it's very verge, and retire without disturbing it.